Sometimes I feel this emptiness inside of me.
This void that I do not know how to fill.
And I go down this lane on instant gratification.
I eat unhealthy foods.
I watch Netflix.
I stay up way too late.
I convince myself that I just need to give myself a break, I need to let go of the things that are stressing me out and take some time to relax.
And I continue down the same lane.
The lane of way too much candy.
Where the next episode starts automatically.
And where it is 2 am and you do not know why you´re awake.
I try to convince myself of the same things. I know that in a way, I was right. I needed that time for myself.
However, what I was wrong about was the activities that I choose to reenergize.
Because truthfully, Netflix has rarely filled me with energy.
Unhealthy foods have never made me feel good.
And going to sleep this late will only make me grumpy in the morning.
And it´s not until 2 am that I see this mistake. A mistake I’ve made many times before.
Expecting instant gratification to fill my soul.
It is not until 2 am that I let myself listen to my heart. Where I hear the voice inside of myself. Where I know what I´ve known all along. What I need.
It is the same I’ve always needed and will always need.
It is what will keep me healthy and happy.
I need to take care of myself, with the things that support me.
I need a nice long shower.
I need some restorative yoga.
I need to go to bed early.
I need to go out on the balcony and breathe the fresh air.
I need to eat a healthy, homecooked meal.
I need to smile.
I need to hug.
I need to laugh.
And most of all I need to listen. To admit that maybe I am not like other people.
That binge watching makes me feel even more empty.
That eating what my taste buds like but not the rest of my body has never served me.
That staying up late for absolutely no reason feels like I’ve cheated myself, from the sleep that I so desperately needed.
And that by listening, I will always know what to do. And by acting on what I hear, instead of continuing along that same old lane, I will move forward.
I will take care of myself. Like I deserve to.
I owe myself that much.
How about you, friends? Does indulging restore you, or do you go for more traditional self-care?