Funny Off the Mat Yoga

Pinterest Weddings: Why Women Have “That” Board

Pinterest is the greatest thing ever created; especially for your average shabby chic loving woman. I can pin a picture that teaches me about SEO, and then in the same 5 minutes I can learn how to make chicken fajitas and pick an outfit for date night. And, in answer to every man who asks why girls can stare at mason jars for 2 hours: Why did you just watch a 20 minute YouTube video where guys get hit in the balls?

You’re men. We’re women.
Let’s just leave it at that.

One of the questions I’ve heard men ask is why women have a wedding board on Pinterest.
(Side note: Any guy out there who believes his girlfriend is not like this and Pinterest weddings are for psychos who will one day live with 12 cats, don’t kid yourself. She has one. She had one when she was single, before you ever came along. That Tinder date you went on last year? She had a Pinterest wedding. That hot girl at the gym in the tight leggings, she has one too. A Pinterest wedding is as natural to womankind as men holding their balls while they watch t.v. )

To all the boyfriends who freaked out when they saw their girlfriend pinning wedding dresses and mason jars with polka dot straws, chill bro.

You’re girl is not trying to manipulate you into marriage. She isn’t trying to drop hints that she wants a ring in a chocolate souffle (although if you want to provide the dessert part, feel free.) But honestly, who do you think you are? Have you smelled your armpits lately? Exactly. You should be so lucky she calls herself your girlfriend, let alone your wife. Women are beautiful, majestic creatures and men should be grateful the women in their lives love them, let alone looked at them the first time.

Unless you’re on a first Tinder date with a girl who whips out her phone to show you what dress she will wear when she marries you, relax. Now, if that same girl lies across the table, legs spread, and says “my ovaries are ready, I hope our kids have blue eyes,” then I advise you to get the hell out of there.

So, why do women have Pinterest weddings? First of all, have you seen a wedding dress? I’ve been trying them on since I first saw a rack of them at Bloomingdales when I was 10 years old. They’re like majestic unicorns; beautiful, white, pillowy, cupcake frosting. It’s like stepping into a cloud of bliss full of silky fabrics, lace, and sweetheart necklines. They’re big and puffy like the one from Cinderella, and we love that because we all want to be Kate Middleton. A wedding dress can make even the most insecure woman feel like a damn princess.

It’s not just about the dress either, oh no. Women these days are obsessed with all things whimsical and shabby chic. Don’t know what that is? Go to some cutesy little tourist town and head to whatever store has flowers (preferably in the basket of an old fashioned bike) and white bird cages outside. Most likely you will also find a display of funny, sarcastic birthday cards and purple and pink bottles. What is the use of these? Decoration. And don’t ask me again.

I’m now married and went crazy on Pinterest when planning the wedding. But, I still add to my board for fun. My Pinterest wedding is very shabby chic, with a little hipster thrown in, and of course the whole thing is DIY. Everyone will be drinking out of mason jars. Why? Because mason jars are so unbelievable they give me a DIY orgasm on the spot, no foreplay necessary (unless it involves lemonade, a few raspberries thrown in, and an Instagram filter.)

Have you ever seen a picture of an outdoor wedding at night? Long picnic tables, fairy lights, sparklers, and some guy in a bow tie and suspenders; it’s a dream come true.

In conclusion, while men enjoy spending hours looking at some guy kick a ball into a net and pound his chest like George of the Jungle, women enjoy staring at wedding hair do’s because those are an other worldly kind of beautiful. Ladies, enjoy your Pinterest wedding in all its Mr. and Mrs. personalized chairs glory. Honestly, if you pin the right picture you might just marry yourself, or a cardboard cutout of Ryan Reynolds.

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