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How Yoga Teacher Training Nearly Broke Me

In 2013, I began practicing yoga. I started this practice because I was broken in my heart and soul. A yogi friend suggested it might help. It did. I loved how I felt at the end of a class, all tingly, happy and calm. Practicing made me feel a little less broken.

By the middle of 2014, I decided I wanted to share these feelings. I could teach my family and friends, I could work part-time as a yoga teacher, I could help people find their bliss. I thought I could help teenagers with depression and anxiety. People with eating disorders. My obese mother, my friend with diabetes, my friend going through a tough breakup, my cousin who’d had a stroke. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. I was so excited.

I found a yoga teacher training course that was close by. And I could afford it. My parents looked after my seven year-old while I was in class. The stars aligned. It was going be amazing.

And for the first few weeks, it was amazing.

We learned to teach the asanas, we learned about Ayurveda, about the sutras and chakras and Patanjali and neti pots and meditation and nutrition. We chanted in Sanskrit. We taught hour long classes to each other. We practiced and practiced. I was finally able to do Urdhva Dhanurasana, wheel pose.

And then something snapped. I got confused with the things my teacher was saying. I looked around the class, I looked nothing like any of them. I couldn’t do all the head stands and handstands and balances.

I started asking questions about taking classes for older people, for trades people, for people in bigger bodies, for sick people, for people who aren’t beach babe bendy beauties. People who don’t like their bodies. Who can’t afford to go to yoga retreats in Bali. Who aren’t able to spend $90 on yoga pants. Whose breasts don’t fit into cute neon sports crops. Who can’t do forward folds, let alone wheel poses.

I started questioning some of the off-hand comments my teacher was saying.

When we were discussing bio-mechanics and how to help students in our classes, she laughed and told us to “ensure that someone actually had lordosis and not just a fat ass.”

I asked about the philosophy she was explaining to us; the ego, the need for presence, the truth about who we really are and then, how this related to the lengthy discussions we were having in class about Facebook accounts and Instagram posts and business strategies and making heaps of money. She told me that “social media, in the yoga world, was all smoke and mirrors”. She was constantly sharing images of herself on the beach, in her perfect body, with her professional photographer, in her bikini, with her blonde hair. Her smoke and mirrors made her rich and adored. She travelled the world.

She said that wanting abundance didn’t mean we weren’t yogis. That promoting our business was our way of living from our yoga passions. And part of me agreed.

But I wasn’t abundant. I didn’t (and still don’t) have the ‘typical’ yoga body. I was a single mum at the time, living paycheck to paycheck as a secondary school teacher. I wanted to share yoga to help people. My people. People like me. And I started questioning whether I’d be able to because I wasn’t like her.

I wasn’t like anyone in the yoga world I’d immersed myself in.

I realised I was still very much broken and now I had spent all my money on a course that I didn’t believe in.

I questioned the teaching of my teacher. I didn’t want her to be my teacher. I didn’t want people to associate me with her.

The class contact hours finished and then we had three months to complete the course work.

My classmate finished the tasks and received her certificate. It had an image of our blonde, beautiful teacher in boat pose, wearing a string/wrap bikini on it. On the beach. I was mortified. The certificate was an homage to her and her ego. I was judging her, her success, her beauty, her ability to do the most difficult balancing poses. She was everything I wasn’t, and I hated myself for it.

I found reasons not to finish. I made excuses not to see my classmates to catch up. I didn’t want to see them. I was ashamed that I hadn’t finished the course. I was ashamed of my non-yogi body. I was ashamed that I was still broken.

Soon I stopped practicing. I was off the mat then, for two years. I’d lost my passion. I’d lost yoga.

In 2015, my partner and I had a baby boy. By the end of 2016, I was pregnant with my baby girl. My pregnancies were physically and emotionally very difficult. My body was tired. And I realised, towards the end of my last pregnancy, the middle of 2017, that I was feeling broken again. In my soul. I didn’t know who I was outside of being a mama.

I missed yoga.

When my little girl was six weeks old, I got on the mat. I practiced with YouTube videos while my little ones were napping, while my big one was at school. I went to a chakra workshop with my friend for her fortieth birthday. I taught a ‘class’ to a few friends while we were away camping. Two of them are morbidly obese. Afterwards they both told me that they had loved it, that they felt tingly and happy and calm. That I’d inspired them to get moving.

And then I started to felt a little less broken. I was back at the start. I knew what I wanted to achieve, who I wanted to be, the people I wanted to help.

So I’ve found a new course, a new teacher. I’m doing my homework, I’m practicing, I’m meditating. I can see my path.

I’m going to study and get qualified and help people find their bliss. I’m going to do it differently this time. I’m going to finish.

I am happy and calm and tingly.

I am not broken.

Yogis, have you ever experienced something like this? Share your stories below!

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34 Comments

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  2. Pála Margrét

    Pála Margrét

    December 30, 2017 at 11:35 pm

    Such a touching and wonderful story. You clearly learned so much about what you did not want to focus on in that first training. It seems that you are ready now. You will do great, and your experience will make you an even better teacher. Use yoga to create your happiness, to put the pieces back together, and then use that experience to help others do the same thing. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Sam Florence

    Sam Florence

    January 2, 2018 at 5:02 am

    Thank you so much for your kind words Pála! As you can imagine, sharing this story was a long time coming… but now that I have written it, I feel much more free of the feelings that experience brought with it. I’m ready to kick start this new chapter! Fingers crossed I can share the yoga love with others for the reasons that are important to me. x

  4. Chuck Vadun

    Chuck Vadun

    January 3, 2018 at 12:12 pm

    Sam … I think this is an excellent counterpoint to some of the posts I’ve read on (and written for) Bad Yogi. Sure, my yoga teacher training may have been a wonderful experience … but your story helps me realize I was very fortunate to have found the right “fit.”

    It’s great to see that you realized the training you took wasn’t aligned with your values … and super cool that you’re going to give YTT another try. Hope you’ll continue to share your experiences here.

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      January 3, 2018 at 4:18 pm

      Thanks Chuck! I’m so glad I could give some insight into a not so fab experience. I have found that the yoga world is a complex mix of beauty and the beast but feel as I get older I’m becoming a little more discerning and aware of what is right and wrong for me. I will definitely write a few updates along the way for this new teacher training! I could probably do one now on how to stay on top of your homework during the holiday season. Or how not to stay on top of it as the case may be 😬

  5. Amanda Sides

    Amanda Sides

    January 3, 2018 at 6:34 pm

    I’m so sorry this was your experience, and I’m so glad you found yoga again! I think we may see this happen more and more often, since it’s natural to choose a training that’s close and affordable–whether or not it’s led by someone you can trust and respect. Congrats to you for seeing the yoga beyond that teacher, and I hope the students who graduated there have since found it, too. <3

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      January 4, 2018 at 9:25 pm

      Thank you, Amanda! I’m so happy to be back on the mat and look forward to a new found vigour for my practice. It’s funny, even after all this time and all the processing, I received a ‘New Year’s’ email from that company just recently and my anxious little heart skipped a beat. We hold on to so much we don’t need! Here’s to letting go! x

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    Brian

    January 5, 2018 at 11:37 pm

    Thanks Sam, you motivated me to return to my mat, our stories in ytt and family rhyme alike. I had given up!!
    It’s been a very longtime without stepping on my mat!!
    Am a huge built yogi!! I can’t say more but hey, it’s time to rekindle the yogi bear in me, thank you!!

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      January 6, 2018 at 4:02 am

      Wow Brian! Thank you so so much for your reply! I’m so happy for you and feel that it was totally worthwhile sharing this experience knowing that I’ve been able to help you at all! I know it’s tough going back to the mat, some days are harder than others, yet how amazing do you feel when you do practice?! Good luck and thank you!!!

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    Sarah Wolfenden

    January 8, 2018 at 12:44 pm

    I love reading your posts and this one particularly hit a nerve. I’ve enjoyed yoga for years and want to do YTT; however, after 2 recent c-sections I know I won’t be able to do all the poses that the rest of the group will be able to and this is putting me off.
    Good luck with your new course and I look forward to reading about it.

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      January 8, 2018 at 2:00 pm

      Oh beautiful Sarah! Your body is perfect exactly the way that it is! All three of my babies came out of a zipper section, too! 😏 I had to give some yoga pats away, just yesterday, because the elastic at the waist band was hurting my upside down kangaroo belly pouch. 😂 I can’t do wheel pose anymore and some days I even feel like I struggle with forward folds. The most respect I ever had for a yoga teacher was one who said to the class, “I can’t do this pose, I’m still practicing, but if you’d like to try I can explain how to do it.” An amazing soul! There is no yoga perfect, just yoga practice, and the world needs more teachers with compassion and understanding and courage than it needs teachers that can do everything. You got this! Upside down kangaroo pouches for the win!

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        Laura

        April 29, 2019 at 2:48 pm

        Hi Sam, I am in YTT. So glad I came across this blog, even though the conversation seems to be old. I am 57 years old and also a certified group fitness instructor. I do not look like your typical yogi, and I have also had back surgery, but I’m still an awesome teacher. I teach water and land aerobics five days a week in a retirement community where I live. I attended gentle yoga classes for one year and loved the way it made me feel, so I decided to go to YTT so that I could share gentle yoga with my participants. I think this YTT was a big mistake. There are certain things that I really can’t do without hurting myself, like shoulder stands and head stands and 6 hours a day on the mat until my back is aching so badly it brings me to tears. I had no idea that I would be judged on not being able to do every asana. One of the teachers thinks that “can’t” should not be in the vocabulary, so I’m going to give her a copy of my MRI. LOL. Maybe she’ll stop thinking she can change me. There is no compassion or sensitivity here at all. She has teacher’s pets, too. ”Oh, Susie is so yogic!” She is a show off, and is very condescending and passive aggressive. There are so many egos in that class, too. Just not at all what I thought. I just finished the fourth of 11 weekends, and I just don’t see how I will be able to get through this. I always cry and cry after each weekend is over. The other instructor is very nice but so far out in her beliefs that it’s hard to follow what she’s saying. I feel I am wasting so much time listening to useless information and being judged. All I want to do is develop a better mind-body-spirit connection and teach gentle yoga, and help people. This is what’s right for me, but seems not enough for them. I want to quit, but not sure what to do at this point.

        1. Sam Florence

          Sam Florence

          April 30, 2019 at 1:32 am

          Laura I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this! And looking at all the comments (I’ve been a bit busy with two toddlers so my writing is not up the top of my to do list at the moment, unfortunately) you can see that you’re not alone! I’m still working on the course I started way back when I wrote this article, my new teacher is amazing (mad as a hatter and as passionate as they come!) but she’s the right fit for me. If something doesn’t work for you, sometimes it’s better to cut your losses than stay in something that makes you miserable and feeling like you’re less than the amazing being you were born to be!

          I wish great things for you! Make them happen if you can x

  8. Michael Duncan

    Michael Duncan

    January 13, 2018 at 11:20 am

    Very inspiring Sam. As I describe myself as hobbit bodied man-yogi, I’m glad you found the right fit for you. It’s so hard to overcome someone else’s visions of perfection that are plastered over the media. I’m glad you have found your own place. Good luck to you. I know you’ll make a great teacher

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      January 13, 2018 at 3:06 pm

      Thank you Michael! You’re so right, I just have to remind myself that yoga was around a long time before social media and advertising and even yoga pants! I’m grateful for a body that can do what it does, despite it not looking or being as capable of doing the same thing as others. Here’s to everyBODY yoga! And seriously, hobbits on the mat?! We should get Peter Jackson onto that one!

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    Muskaan Nanda

    January 26, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    Thank you for sharing this article. I have been looking into taking a Yoga Teacher Training Course, but I have been so afraid to join any course until I master all the headstands, backbends, and balancing poses because of my insecurities of not being a good enough teacher, but I think your post has really inspired me to go through with it and take from the YTT course what I need to take out and to stick to my core values of what yoga means.

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      January 28, 2018 at 4:49 pm

      That’s such amazing news Muskaan! Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me that I have helped you reach a decision that may bring you more happiness! Some people never get to head stand or arm balances and they could practice their whole lives! That is not the goal of yoga – we are better than that! Sharing passions, healing bodies, minds and souls is what makes fab teachers! Go us!!! Good luck x

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    Jen Cannon

    April 30, 2018 at 6:58 pm

    I’m so glad you wrote + I got to read this story. I would have questioned yoga also if I had that experience. Thank you for remaining authentic.

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      May 3, 2018 at 4:45 pm

      Thanks so much for your support Jen x

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    Latrice

    May 27, 2018 at 4:58 pm

    I wanted to cry when I read this! I have been practicing yoga for over two years, nothing major but the most simplest of poses and meditation, I loved doing it so much that I started sharing this passion around my community. I’ve been able to hold small sessions at the colleges, youth groups, elderly, and much more. So, I wanted to learn more about it and delve deeper into how I can sequence that I found a local 200hr training. I started going and it was very expensive to say the least, but the owners were very gracious in setting up payment plans for me. It was all going so so, I say this because it was lectures, and all but some of the statements that were being made in class about how other yoga teachers in their community were performing their sessions and how it was made a mockery off kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I wanted to voice my concern at the beginning but I didn’t because I didn’t want to come off as the aggressive one. So time went one and comments were still being made in ways about other teachers teachings that I finally wanted to ask a question. I asked my teacher..’What is our role as yoga teachers as a community?’ Was it to be a beacon of light furor community or was it to be ego centered in a way to feel like our personal choice of holding a class is better than other teacher’s. Of course my teachers immediately took offense, and pretty much felt that I had no place to ask questions like this especially in front of the class. Eventually they told me they feel I am not competent to teach, they are afraid of signing off on my certificate and that they don’t want to be my teachers any more. Only because I stood my ground as a student and a paying customer and I felt like certain feelings they have toward other teachers in their community should be kept to themselves especially if they are not using these criticisms effectively as a teaching mechanism. I am saddened because I am taking their view of me as a person to heart and now I have lost the desire to keep teaching in my community, and I know I have a deep passion for teaching and being of service to my own community. I feel I have let them down.

    1. Sam Florence

      Sam Florence

      May 28, 2018 at 4:11 pm

      Latrice! I’m so sad to hear your experience and totally understand how you feel. That is so awful and I wish that there weren’t so many obstacles and weird egos out there getting in the way of what we are trying to achieve for the good of all! It’s so difficult, now I’m doing my second teacher training I’m finding it difficult in different ways, I’ve got two more kids now so time and fatigue are a factor, we’re living on one wage so money is a factor, and just trying to get it all done is so hard. I guess what keeps me going is that I know from the depth of my soul that when I’m teaching yoga I’m totally present, I’m trying to help, I feel that I am helping and I see the benefits, even if that is just a flash of recognition or a sense of accomplishment on my students’ faces. I know it’s what I’m supposed to do! Is there a yoga registration institution in your country? Could you maybe contact them or Yoga Alliance to explain what has happened to them and see if they can help you get your course finished/signed off? In some ways I wish I hadn’t let all those hours go and I could’ve been teaching this whole time but that wasn’t my path… hopefully you can get this all sorted so your beautiful souls can get on that mat at the front of that room and help those people that need it! That helps your community! Because that’s your path, not the path of standing on top of other teachers in order to get to the top! There is no top!!! As Timber Hawkeye says, ‘We are all mangoes on the same tree!’
      Good luck! Let me know how you go!
      Sam x

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    elle kaye

    July 4, 2018 at 2:05 pm

    thank you for writing this.

    Yoga is personal for me. My life is personal. My journey which is based on authenticity and being true to my self has been disrupted by my ytt and no matter what I do with this experience and the “homework” they’ve assigned, I will likely do what’s being asked of me and required by the yoga alliance. but my eyes are open, just as they usually are after i’m dissatispointed and feel wronged.

    i’m so disappointed and angry by the way the issues that arise in the training have been addressed.

    After having been traumatized in my childhood and then again in october by two yoga teachers, I was optimistic after reading a book written by someone on the faculty where i was applying that the yoga teacher training would be different. It would be safe.

    It seems that it’s safe for some and likely most.

    just not me.

    As a mental health practitioner, it’s worth mentioning that my responses to what I feel in this training were not based solely on my childhood but rather, the healing i’ve dedicated my life to- the power of my truth and to pick up on tension is perhaps deemed subjective but just as important as anyone else’s truth.

    What I witnessed in my training and will continue to witness is people praising other people with no room for critique- no room for outside thoughts.

    to quote one of my teachers when I said I did not like something one of the teachers said- “you must’ve been having a bad morning” to which I quickly agreed because i’m a good girl.

    The theme of this training is easy to apply to life if we want to keep things clean and continue to live in denial or in a whitewashed world.

    There was no room in that space for life’s mess and my yoga is about mess- not necessarily my mess but mess in general. i was able to hold the environment because that’s what i’m really really good at and in hindsight, after completing half the module, i see that once again, i’m able to hold the entire group but i do not feel held. i know that story. i lived that story. god damn it.

    you cannot teach about sitting in the tension of life without modeling how to sit with your own.

    I know that dynamic- I grew up in that dynamic. I have met countless teachers at kripalu and elsewhere who teach about sitting with the tension without actually showing how to sit.

    after reading your post, i decided i will likely finish this training because i can hold myself. i’m annoyed because yoga is communal and i didn’t want to feel so alone. i’m really really good at holding space- i’m not good at letting others hold me and i guess this won’t be the space where i explore that.

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    Kim

    July 31, 2018 at 3:52 pm

    Really appreciate this post… Made me feel less alone. Yeah… I’m in the middle of my yoga teacher training and I’m really not aligning with the other yogis or the teacher. I was so happy to started… Now I feel like I’m as deep down as I was high up. Course assessment coming up, teacher really doesn’t like me. Not sure what to do. My yoga practice is for me, not for anyone else and I resent having to make it so just to get a certificate. Sadness… But thank you for the great and hopeful post. 🙂

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    Nicole

    September 10, 2018 at 9:41 pm

    I was so happy to read this! After my 200 hour Ashtanga yoga teacher training, I felt like I needed to take a step back. I felt like I threw myself into a world that turned out to be a lot bigger than I thought it would be. I needed to find my own personal practice and take a break from constantly being physically adjusted at the studio (and thinking, “Guess I wasn’t doing that right either?!” Ashtanga started to make me feel like my yoga practice needed to be perfect. I took a break and now I am in graduate school looking for the sense of peace I once felt. I actually contacted the gym at my school to see if I could teach yoga. I am hoping, like you, to take what I learned and to pave a new path of yoga for myself and others. Thanks so much for sharing your story!

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    Mabel

    September 14, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    I never thought I would find a someone else who felt the way I did about my yoga teacher training. I now understand that I did not identify with the yoga philosophy that my yoga teacher subscribed to and that I was force fitting myself to becoming someone I was not (someone who was deemed more “authentic” , by my teacher’s standards). I am naturally a bit bi-polar in that I can be terribly outgoing and dramatic or super quiet and reserved and both sides are me, equally. She made me feel like I shouldn’t be “putting on a show” when I’m teaching when I actually love putting on a show – that’s part of my DNA. And why should I be judged for that? That’s affected me for a year till now – I’m gaining so much clarity as I’m typing this. THANK YOU!

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    Lisa

    November 8, 2018 at 12:06 pm

    On Election Day…I voted and then voted NOT to stay with my current yoga training
    I have interviewed another with more experience at teaching
    I am sorry you were off your mat …Yoga is amazing…people not so much some times
    Thanks so much for your blog and post….it is truly life changing
    Although I have had many life changing experiences in my yoga training, I found my teachers trained in an unorganized and very chaotic way and when ask about it, I got a lot of excuses…causing one of my classmates to ball like a baby after one of the many…last minute assignments…that they gave us 15 minutes to prepare for…then as usual changed in the middle of the assignment…several times. And I want to add,”heckled” us as we were trying to do the assignment
    After alot of thought…its more like…do I want my name associated with this teacher
    I kept saying…”this is yoga people”…I did not expect it to be easy…200 hours is alot hours
    But the learning process is so important to the application process.
    I got peace after withdrawing, although I will miss my class mates
    I have been a minister now for over 30 years and have learned how to deal with people who dont practice what they preach….I distance myself….because I do aim not to be a hypocrite…now I dont expect water walking out of anyone
    But when the person doesn’t seem to try…..red flags
    Again thanks for your honest post

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    Rie

    November 17, 2018 at 9:54 pm

    Cried reading this. Thank you for sharing. I finished my training 11 months ago and I have hardly been on the mat since. Not in months. I feel like I’ve lost something that was so close and personal and so special to me for many years. Wrong studio, wrong course. I fight with myself every day to get in the mat but it never happens. I do miss it.

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    Mary

    November 25, 2018 at 12:22 pm

    This is just what I needed to read. I have recently done my yoga teacher training and just found out I haven’t fully passed the final assessment after truly teaching from the heart and giving it my best shot, despite not having the best yoga body out there- or as it turns out, the best alignment. Words cannot tell you how much of a failure I feel, even though I have a chance to do some more training and still get my certification. It has wounded me right to the core in a way I never could have imagined. I never thought that the feeling of not measuring up to the yogic standard could hurt so much. I have started some small classes and my students genuinely like me but I feel a complete fraud now and the joy I felt has totally gone. I still have to teach them and I’m dreading the next class. Nobody ever gets to hear this story as we see online all those pictures of perfection but I am so grateful you posted your truth and wish you success and happiness and love. It’s hard to get back on the mat when you feel you’re part of the ‘successful’ crowd and I’m so glad you have. I am still trying to work my way back to it!

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    Darcy Smith

    November 27, 2018 at 10:22 pm

    Yoga has become so commercialized! I dont look like most of the girls on Instagram and I dont care! My practice looks nothing like theirs either but at least it is mine. I really could give a shit less about doing a handstand, I like to just pound it out on the mat! Yoga is a personal journey and not a soul needs to know what it looks like to another! We all do the best we can! Yoga=no judgement! Namaste to all my basic yogis!

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    Toni

    February 1, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    Hi Sam,
    You’ve raised very important points about this industry- it seems to have turned into just that, a money making machine.
    I am looking to retire from classroom teaching in about 4-5 years. So I’m hardly anything like a bikini clad beach babe. This is one of my fears, being the oldest in the class, being the least able, as I’ve had chemo and my joints are still gaining strength even after 4 years have past since treatment. Looking through the TT in my area, the advertising is extreme poses, super fit bodies, non refundable deposits of up to $1200 AU, and I think – what is this all about? This really doesn’t sound anything like yoga. Hopefully I’ll find somewhere authentic.

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    Jen

    April 30, 2019 at 3:45 am

    Yes! 100% by the end of my YTT I hated yoga. I didn’t practice or teach for 12 months. I was HORRIFIED. It was shallow, gentrification, and cultural appropriation at its worst. I’m still slow to see the benefits though i have experienced them first hand…. at what cost??

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    Susan Billington

    September 20, 2019 at 7:03 am

    Sam what a wonderful article and so true. I got my certification at the age of 62yrs old. My wheel looks more like a flat tire and my tree is half dead….but who cares. I got certified for the same reason you did,,,to help others. Guess what ? My students are all broken in one way or another too. The studio in which I grew is full of beach bodies but the owners are so lovely,warm and inclusive that egos don’t have a chance. This is all to say you are on the right path and you are a gift to yoga.

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    Yoga teacher training

    January 21, 2020 at 2:21 am

    Thank you for sharing this amazing article. I was considering taking a yoga teacher training course. I was very afraid to take the course until all my headrests, bends and balance were balanced. Your post really inspired me. you explained very well.

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