I am usually a very joyful and positive person.
During the first week of my yoga teacher training however, I found a side of me I didn’t know existed.
I started waking up very grumpy and irritable, before heading to morning practice.
I could feel the resistance. How my mind tried to stop me from going.
I found that I had problems with some of the practices we were doing, masking the actual reason for those negative emotions.
I had issues with the practice. It was hard and I didn’t want to go.
I told my dad about it and explained what a difficult time I was having.
And then I talked to my yoga teacher. Asked for help about the practices I was having issues with. And he suggested that I’d do a few rounds in my room, before coming to class. That way, I could start the day off in private.
And with that little trick, suddenly, all my issues were gone. My morning grumpiness, that I had experienced intensively for several days, was gone.
And my training went on. I found other challenges to deal with, conquered other problems.
When I returned home from my training, my dad asked me about the difficulties I was having. And at first, I didn’t remember a thing. Then, I realized that I had completely forgotten about it.
With that problem out of the way, all memories of it vanished as well.
And somewhere along the way, I realized what the problem actually was.
The challenge I had with those practices had only been there to mask it all.
What was actually happening, was my mind and body fighting to save me.
Fighting to save the me they knew.
Fighting the change. The unavoidable change.
They were working together and working hard. Essentially saying: “If you go out there, if you go to class and do those practices, you will never be the same. The person we know will be lost, and you will become some greater version of yourself, that we don’t know and are very scared of. We don’t know where this will lead us and we’d much rather you stay exactly like you are, the person we know so well”.
Somehow, by getting past the problem that masked this much bigger challenge, I was able to move past it as well.
I went on. I pushed forward. I did the practice.
And I changed.
I became a version of myself, that I had no idea existed. And my body and mind were correct, there was no turning back.
I even have difficulty retrieving memories from before my YTT, as I don’t understand how I thought back then.
My YTT changed me in ways I will never be able to describe.
I went through a month of magical, and fast, transformation, that changed the way I view myself and the world around me.
I tried to keep the old me, desperately.
And still, I know I did the right thing. I know this change was bound to happen.
And the me that erupted was a new and better me.
A person I never dreamed of becoming.
And I am sure that I will keep transforming, the more I practice.
That every change will move me closer to who I truly am.