What Does It Mean To Be Enough?
Note: This post was submitted by a Bad Yogi who wishes to remain anonymous.
I came to yoga in the midst of a health crisis. I was pretty sure that I was dying, and it was only that notion that allowed me to give myself permission to take the time and family funds for myself and go to yoga – something I’d wanted to do for more than fifteen years. I was experiencing severe food intolerances, overwhelming fatigue, and a myriad of bizarre symptoms that no one could seem to make sense of. I was seized and stiff, overweight and physically weak, and in a hazy daze of brain fog.
It was in yoga class that I found space of my own – beautiful peaceful space to be. Yoga was a place where it didn’t matter what I looked like, what I wore, or how I struggled to even come close to making my body do as the others were doing. In class, on my mat, I was free.
Coming to my mat I found myself surrendering my fear, in wee little wisps at a time. I became stronger, inside and out. Yoga worked it’s magic on me, transforming a weak, fat and sick body into one that I am starting to feel at home in, safe in, and strong in. It was as much mental or spiritual, if not more than, the physical exercise. Yoga was my refuge from all that existed outside the studio door. It was there on my mat that I found the courage to leave a long term, emotionally abusive marriage.
Almost three years later, here I am – still breathing. I am so thankful that I’ve been so blessed to find yoga, and through yoga, that I am starting to find myself. My amazing and wonderful yoga instructor introduced me to the PBYP, another blessing I am truly grateful for. Most surprising was discovering the incredible community of peanut butter yogis out there who are so kind and supportive of one another.
Here’s where I’m stuck and I’m hoping the Bad Yogi Community (BYC) can offer some suggestions or insight. What is this concept of “I Am Enough”??? I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. It sounds like some ridiculous new age platitude to me. Everyone in the BYC seems pretty enamored with this notion and can’t seem to talk enough about it. I don’t get it.
Enough? What is enough? The Merriam-Webster definition is “equal to what is needed.” If I was equal to what is needed, would I feel guilt for past mistakes? The fact that I did leave my abusive relationship is all well and good, but it has left me with feelings that are hard to undo. I sometimes feel grossly inadequate. I sometimes feel nowhere near enough.
I am not enough of anything. How can anyone be enough? Isn’t the idea of samsara that once we finally attain the mystical state of “being enough” we are released from physical incarnation and are truly set free?
The closest I can come is believing that I am the best version of myself that I can be right now and I am committed to continuing to work to be better. But enough? I’m not sure I get it yet. How do you decide and believe that you are enough?