Mental Health Motherhood & Baby

Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

It always feels a little cheesy to say this, but I genuinely feel like I know so many of you personally. Like, in real life! So much so that it would feel totally normal to meet up for a coffee and talk about life and whatever else came up. But since I actually don’t know most of you in real life, it makes me nervous to share some mini skeletons in my closet that I know I WANT to share but make me nervous!

Keeping them in the dark won’t make them any less real though, so here goes…

1. I paused my own practice.
I talked all about how I was gonna do PB Resolution with everyone starting January 1st, and in case you haven’t noticed, I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was forced to stop working out. Between breastfeeding a giant baby, stopping my takeout habit, AND doing PBR (even modified), I was losing weight way too quickly. I weigh less now than before I did before I got pregnant and believe me, that is NOT my goal. Adrien started to get a little worried because my arms and legs were looking so thin, so I decided to stop working out for the time being and focus on increasing my calories to try and gain some weight back.

I was afraid to talk about this for two reasons: (1) I didn’t feel like dealing with the eye rolls from people who will think I should be happy I’m losing so much weight. (2) I feel like I’m letting everyone down! I wanted SO BADLY to be right there with you in your PBR reboots for 2020, and I just can’t be there in the way I wanted to be right now.

2. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in motherhood.
I love Theo so much more than I thought was possible because for real, I’m not a baby person. I don’t ooh and ahh over babies because I just seriously don’t care about them! Babies are babies. Whatever. I knew I’d love my own, but I didn’t know HOW MUCH. Even so, it’s so all encompassing sometimes I feel like I’m being choked out of my own life. My old life. Wait, no, not my old life– my original life. I miss it yet I don’t want to miss a single moment of time with Theo as he explores an discovers the world.

I think I make it sound like I really have my shit together on social media with running a business and mom-ing, but I assure you I definitely do not. Since having Theo, I feel like I do about 10% of what I used to do in a day… and I know that’s fine and this is just a chapter and blah blah blah, but it’s still hard to not feel like time is passing you by in this stage. And at the same time I also enjoy taking care of him all day, you know? I guess this is the ever-present internal tug-of-war when one is a mother and a Something Else (whatever that is).

3. I’m SO nervous about our trip back to the US!
Every year I am SO excited about our trip back to the States, but this year? My level of excitement is basically zero. I’m excited to teach, but I’m not excited about the rest… all I can think about is how afraid I am to travel on a transatlantic flight with a baby, land in a time zone six hours behind his typical one, and try to work and travel and exist with a 9-month-old in a temporary new place. It stresses me so much, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety just thinking about it!

And I’ve read all that I can read and we’ll prepare as much as possible, but all that stress about it lingers anyway…

4. There are good and bad days (still).
The perspective that life and progress don’t happen in a straight line has never felt so real. The majority of the time, I feel like the fog of PPD has lifted. I generally wake up feeling good about my days, I have an appetite, I want to live my life and so on. But once in a while, Theo has a bad day, we get a dash of crappy weather, life adds a pinch of sleep deprivation, and bam! It’s the perfect cocktail of chaos to pull me right back down into that sinkhole I got so familiar with at the beginning of this journey. It doesn’t last, but I have some days where life feels harder than others and I wonder if those will ever disappear completely.

5. Wine is giving me a headache.
Okay, this isn’t something that makes me “fearful,” but I have to laugh a little because, YOU GUYS! If I have more than half a glass of red wine, I swear I get heart palpitations and a headache. What kind of Bad Yogi develops an allergy to wine?! This is so off brand for me LOL!

Sometimes just shining light on what we’re afraid of makes it seem less scary. Putting our fears into words and sharing them with another human being takes away the shadows and shows us they’re all manageable.

Over to you: have you ever experienced any of this? I’m open to hearing any and ALL positive experiences about any of the above, haha!

73 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Marisa Tomasella

    January 28, 2020 at 10:41 am

    Subscribing

  2. Avatar

    Cherise Thompson

    January 28, 2020 at 10:44 am

    I also had to pause my practice for a while. A year after I had my son, I was down to less then I weighed when I was in High School. I really didn’t start gaining weight until I stopped breastfeeding and got pregnant again. This time around, after the birth of my daughter, I’m trying to be more mindful of my eating habits. Taking the time to eat when I get a a hunger cue, sit, even snack. Sometimes I’ll add nutritional supplements if I have to. It really can feel like a battle. But you’re 100 percent right. I never feel like I can talk to ANYONE about it because of the eyerolls. So thank you for speaking up and sharing. I’m there with you in solidarity.

    Also there with you on the mom struggles. There are good days and bad days before you have kids. But after you have them, it just feels amplified because not only are you having a bad day but you also have to take care of a another little human. But those good days really are great, aren’t they?

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing your heart with us. ❤️

    1. Avatar

      Elaine

      January 28, 2020 at 3:30 pm

      I gave up drinking alcohol all together. Makes me feel like CRAP! My mornings are too precious. I found I was hungover BEFORE I went to bed. No bueno!

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        Alli

        February 13, 2020 at 4:55 pm

        Two words: adrenal fatigue. It hit me hard when Bowie was 8 months old. My clothes were falling off and getting compliments left and right about my thin weight but I felt terrible. TERRIBLE. I found a supplement from Seeking Health called Adrenal Fatigue and it’s still my go to when I when I am wiped out. Also, around 8 months is when babies get really efficient at sucking out more fatty milk. It’s amazing how those little milkie vampires can get in one feeding.

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:46 am

      this is so interesting about the weightloss! I didn’t know it was a “thing” but after this post, i’ve heard from a lot of women who went through the same thing. you’re right about the good days being really great too 🙂

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        AmberLynn

        January 31, 2020 at 7:35 pm

        I lost so much weight after my first son was born (I was age 30) that I weighed less than when I graduated high school….. no matter how much I ate or cut back on exercise. I just kept producing too much milk and it was draining me. It happens…..and eventually your body will figure it back out. Just keep being mindful. You got this Mama!

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        Veri

        February 3, 2020 at 12:58 pm

        It’s very common as we use up way more calories than we manage to get in. I ate junk food just to stop losing weight as nothing else had enough calories to do it… But in your case, if it’s getting out of control you better check the thyroid hormones. It’s very common that pregnancy throws them off, I know of a few women who had that issue and it gets better when medicated. It’s a normal blood test that you do early on empty stomach nothing scary (they just usually send the blood to a specialized lab). Good luck to you!
        And I totally understand your lack of enthusiasm for traveling and stuff – being a mom is pretty time consuming… And you probably need some time to relax just by yourself – try to get that at least from time to time… I never had PPD but I’ve seen what it can do to people so hang in there! You are not alone (although it might feel so sometimes) and you don’t have to do it all at the same time. Your brand is established, so you can take a little time off.

        1. Avatar

          Veri

          February 3, 2020 at 1:00 pm

          Another thing – unbalance of thyroid hormones also causes depression so really – get it checked, please! It’s the easiest solution if that is the problem. If not – at least you know.v

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    Pam Brooks

    January 28, 2020 at 10:57 am

    I am currently pregnant with my 4th, child and I have experienced most of this! I’m a small person, I exercise regularly, eat 70-80% healthy. I always experience extreme weight loss after I have my babies. It makes me really self conscious! I love being and feeling strong. I get back to “normal” after about a year or so. I the mean time, I can NEVER mention My concern to anyone other than my husband.. People think I’m doing some sort of humblebrag. I get complimented on it, which would just make me uncomfortable. I also get PPD, the worst was after my first because I didn’t realize what it was so it went untreated. My second I figured it out and started therapy. Now, between therapy and meditation I feel like I finally have it figured out. (For me) Anyway, that’s my little story. I loved reading this blog, thank you for posting!! Well, your blog in general, but I think these are all things that are important to chat about.. because we don’t.

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:47 am

      this made me feel so much better! so interesting and cool that you basically know the “formula” of your postpartum experience after 4 babies! 😉

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    Jennifer

    January 28, 2020 at 10:57 am

    I am in the same boat on basically everything but the headache from wine 😂. My son was born just a day before yours and I relate to all of this so much. I also lost so much weight even though I’m basically eating like a fat man with diabetes. I lost so much weight I got bloodwork done just to make sure nothing was wrong with me because all the other moms in my group were complaining about how they had so much weight left to lose and I almost instantly dropped 20 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight. Luckily I’ve been maintaining right around there and not losing more but it’s so hard to eat enough to keep up with feeding these giant babies! Also I’m debating whether to even go back to work at this point because I’m so engrossed in taking care of him and have no intentions of ever putting him in daycare. No idea how I’d handle caring for him at home and working from home too right now because it is completely all consuming!

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:02 am

      okay, ALL OF THIS!! i feel you! i’ve been struggling NOT to eat like a fat man with diabetes, LOL! thank god my husband has been cooking healthy meals for me otherwise it’d be takeout all day every day.

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    Shannon Mahaney

    January 28, 2020 at 11:00 am

    Holy relatable! I’m pregnant with my first now and currently 18 weeks along. I put my normal yoga practice on hold out of fear. Fear I would do a posture that would harm the baby without thinking. I’ve been doing a weekly prenatal class but I miss my regular practice. I also fear losing myself once I become a mother. You are not the only one out there and you won’t be the last going through these things!

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:04 am

      congrats, shannon! it’s such a cool journey BECAUSE it’s so all consuming and life changing… there’s nothing like it (as cliche as it sounds). i understand your fears too– i felt the same way but my doctor always said i can mostly continue doing what i did pre-pregnancy and i’m sure you’re the same unless your doctor tells you otherwise 🙂

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    Julia

    January 28, 2020 at 11:05 am

    I just had a baby in December and I found myself nodding passionately as I read this. Thank you so much for sharing!

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:04 am

      thank YOU, julia!

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    Diana

    January 28, 2020 at 11:07 am

    Thank you for sharing. I’ve been a little worried about you because I also experienced some PPD and recognized some signs but I’m thankful you have Adrien. I hope your trip back to the U.S. goes smoothly but I totally understand why you’re up at night fretting. Motherhood is some next level insanity!

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:04 am

      next level insanity is right!

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    Megan Morgan

    January 28, 2020 at 11:12 am

    I lost so much weight when I was breastfeeding that I seriously had to find ways to add calories to my diet, because I was so busy and also losing so much feeding very big babies that everything I put in my mouth mattered! It was frustrating as hell.

    Re: motherhood, oh yeah, none of us have it together! It’s a crazy time, and it’s only been very recently that I feel like I have a separate identity (my kids are 4 and 7) but I’m still absolutely “Mom” a lot of the time. A part of my brain got carved out for motherhood, and I don’t think I’m getting it back, but that’s becoming more okay as my kids get older and they start to share my interests! Like, taking them to museums to see dinosaur bones, and having STAR WARS marathons, and my son occasionally joining me when I do yoga in a way that’s nice, and less like I’m a jungle gym!

    Re: mental health – I am constantly, perpetually on this journey. I started a new and much better job not long ago, and suffered from horrible paranoia for over a month. My previous job was basically like an abusive relationship, and when friendly people approached me in the new office, I would immediately panic over their motives. It’s taken me a while to get past that, and there were some really bad days along the way, and I might even end up back there again, but the way I try to see it is that I’m building the toolbox I’ll need for next time. (As far as PPD in particular, I suffered from it for over two years before I finally figured out what was going on, so it’s super awesome you know what’s up and you’re working on it now. Self-awareness is a huge key to wrangling it.)

  9. Avatar

    Emily

    January 28, 2020 at 11:12 am

    Yes to so much of this! I have been having major internal struggles myself about wanting to go back to work (I take care of our 3 and 1 year old full time). I cry about it to my husband because I want to work, get out of the house more, meet more people. But I also want to take care of our girls at the level I have been. Then when I go to look for work it’s the struggle of the outrageous cost of childcare and if me working is even feasible financially.
    Flying with kids can be tough but Theo will probably do so much better than you imagine. My husband says he prepares for the worst and then when it’s better than that he’s impressed with how well it all went (we’ve never flown overseas but have done cross country trips Boston – Alaska.) Tips I can offer: lots of snacks, a new toy or two he’s never played with before, and if you can afford the seats with more room, it’s totally worth it!

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    Anonymous

    January 28, 2020 at 11:12 am

    Erin I have the same problem with wine, I recomend you to try and drink organic or even better natural wine (in France we call it “vin naturel”), they contain no added sulfites (they still contain the natural sulfites if I’m not mistaken, but the ones which give headache or allergy are generally the added ones). Good luck! I also feel you on the other things you posted, I travelled to the other side of the world last year with my 10 months baby. The trip was pretty easy. To me the most difficult thing was the fact that we lived in places that were not adapted to babies and even if it’s okay and baby adapt wherever they are, it can get exhausting after those months at home where you get used to adjust everything according to your baby needs. But keep in mind that your baby will meet people who love him and that he will receive and keep the love in his little tiny heart and that’s so great. Sorry about my English 😉 About PPD, try to keep in mind that you’re exhausted and that’s just normal. My baby boy is turning 2 years old and I’m just starting to feel a bit like my original self. Before I felt it I wasn’t even sure I would be able to find myself ever again, but trust me you will.

  11. Avatar

    Kristen

    January 28, 2020 at 11:17 am

    I had my 4th baby at the end of July, and have been following your journey for almost a year because it sounded so familiar. I have the same daily battle with wanting to just cuddle my last baby, but having 3 other kids and house work to do. I feel guilty for not doing it, and for letting him fuss while I do it. He’s not a great sleeper, so I only get about 15-20 minutes at a time during the day and he’s still up several times a night. I have been going to my yoga studio about 2x a month, when it fits into the schedule, I have been tempted to try pbr for months, thinking I would start when he started napping…now the pressure is on if I want to try it I guess!
    Anyway, thanks for your openness, feeling much the same way all the way from Indiana. Hoping you are having me of the good days 🙂 💜

  12. Avatar

    Ashley dePreaux

    January 28, 2020 at 11:23 am

    Oh man.. parenthood is tough. I had a dream last night that I fell pregnant with my third baby and it was such a stressful dream. I woke up so relieved to know that I still only have two kids. That PPD cloud still hangs over me sometimes, and my youngest is 14 months. This weekend was a doozy. Husband left to go out of town for six weeks, and then my youngest developed hand foot and mouth disease, so I definitely did not stay on track with anything for the past five days and was very low in my thoughts, but that’s okay. The important thing is to look at each day as a fresh start, and I’m feeling much better today.

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:07 am

      each day being a fresh start– YES. i’ve also had dreams i was pregnant again with T being this age and it truly terrified me when i woke up, haha! i shudder at being home alone with two babies while partner being away… you’re a trooper!

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    Grace

    January 28, 2020 at 11:35 am

    Hearing that you’re taking a break from your practice makes me feel less guilty about not being as active with my own right now. I’m a student so my challenges are more along the lines of something has to budge in my schedule for my mental health rather than physical health, but it still makes me feel better to know it’s okay to either take a break or slow down.

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    Chris Ridley

    January 28, 2020 at 11:36 am

    You are a fantastic mom. You are doing enough. You Are enough.
    Tell yourself this everyday.
    Someone once said to me, “This will pass. It will pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.”
    Love ya!

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:08 am

      hahah YEP, sounds about right! 😉 thank you!

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    Annemiek

    January 28, 2020 at 12:09 pm

    Erin firstly Happy Birthday! cheese and wine are both headache triggers. Mild cheese you can get away with if one is prone to this. Re the 🍷 I remember hearing/reading somewhere that South American wines have less pesticides and sulfites because of the growing environment. I suffered for years with cluster headaches and they are very draining. Yes it’s a tough go the parent trip. And once the ride begins there’s no getting off. It can be a real tightrope walk. I did it all pretty much as a single parent from very early on in me kids’ life. Sometimes I felt like a trapped animal. But I made it through and have come out the other end as a 60 year old grandmother of one sweet toddling girl looking nothing like I did in my 20’sor30’s. like you I dropped my practice many times, currently for the longest time ever. I could ramble on forever here so for now I hope this has been as real as you are looking for. Please take good care of yourself. I used to go for long walks along an old airstrip in the bush everyday with my dog when the kids were in school. And swimming. I miss my dog Zachary. He was such a valued member of our family.

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    Dana

    January 28, 2020 at 12:25 pm

    Hi there,
    I’ve recently started reading and though I don’t relate to this on the exact place in life as you, I do really relate to this lost and love the honesty. You need to do what is right for you. Focus on yourself so you can show up how you want in the future. Looking forward to reading more.

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    Jane

    January 28, 2020 at 1:28 pm

    Ah yes, our ever evolving stages of life. Here I sit about to turn 62 (yikes) and life is still full of surprises, ups and downs, fears and joys. I didn’t have kids so can’t address that topic. Going through menopause was certainly an interesting life chapter. Woo hoo for no more periods but not so woo hoo for some of the other changes that came as a result of menopause! It’s great hearing that YOU, the Bad Yogi, paused your practice. For a variety of reasons it may be in our best interest to pause our own practice (or fitness regime) and that is perfectly OKAY! All of us will have moments in our lives where we are drowning in some aspect of life: motherhood, school, serious health issue, caring for aging parents. Life is a balancing act and ever evolving journey. Red wine started giving me fits several years ago so I switched to white and Rosé! And voila, I still enjoy wine! Thank you for keeping it real Erin!

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:10 am

      drowning in some aspect of life. love this phrase because it’s so easy to feel like ONE chapter is permanent just because it’s new, but really, even challenging times aren’t fully “new” because we’ve been challenged before and survived those!

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        Annemiek

        January 29, 2020 at 1:57 pm

        The Buddhist teaching of impermanence was very helpful to me when life seemed to be keeping me constantly sputtering and flailing in the same body ofwater. My two go to books when my kids were really young and then school age through the teenage years and yes even in their 20’s lol we’re Seeking the Heart of Wisdom by Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield and Whole Child Whole Parent by Polly Berrien Berends. This book is one of those books if I could take 5 books to a deserted island, this would be one of them. The second edition has a teenager section. I own both the first and second edition. I found all 3 books I’ve mentioned here on Amazon.ca so probably available on .com also. Hope this is helpful💓

  18. Avatar

    Eleni

    January 28, 2020 at 2:21 pm

    I will comment on the flying to the US part as I have done multiple transatlantic flights with infants, my first being when my daughter was 5.5 months old and I flew alone from Australia to Greece as my husband had to work and joined us after.

    I am sure you have read many things but the only piece of advice I have for you is don’t stress about it. The more you stress the worst it will be as the baby will pick up on your anxiety and he will feel stressed. Just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. Just keep in mind that no matter how bad it is it will end at some point. And don’t worry about getting “looks” from people if the baby is being fussy. Most people on the flights I have been on actually want to help. And if they don’t, who cares? You will never see them again.

    Lastly, try to get an overnight flight so he sleeps and book a seat with a bassinet.

    Good luck, it will be fine!

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:00 am

      you’re so right!! ah, will have to remember this when we fly over in a couple months!

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    Alison

    January 28, 2020 at 2:27 pm

    Every mother is a mother and something else! 😊 I’m a stay at home mom and I think your sentiment about drowning in motherhood is probably felt most in the stay at home mom community because we have to work so much harder to find/ do that something else. I imagine being a work from home without childcare mom is pretty similar except that your something else path is maybe a little more clear. But anyhow, parenthood can be very very all consuming in the best way sometimes and the worst way other times. I do not understand when people say things like, “I don’t remember life before kids” or “who was I even before kids”. I love my daughter to death but you better believe I remember that I lived before she did. And I enjoyed it. And there are totally things I miss about my life back then. And none of that makes me a bad parent.

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 4:00 am

      you’re so right– i thought about that after i published! EVERY mother is a Something Else, but I do think some women absolutely LOVE being engrossed by motherhood. It’s their passion and purpose and they’re happy for it to be a single focus for a chapter. thank you for the reminders! xo

  20. Avatar

    Emma

    January 28, 2020 at 2:39 pm

    Hi! I can relate with everything you wrote and even more!
    But I don’t want to babble too much about it.
    Regarding the weight lost, though: did you check your thyroid levels? It is a straightforward blood test and you get the answer the same day. But it is a lot common to have some thyroid imbalance after giving birth, and it easily fixable!

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      Hilery

      January 28, 2020 at 3:46 pm

      I was going to mention the same thing! I got hyperthyroidism ( Graves disease) after my 2nd pregnancy. Anxiety and weight loss were two major symptoms.

      1. Avatar

        Emma

        January 28, 2020 at 4:57 pm

        I had the same the condition pre-pregnancy and thought I got rid of it (even if the doctor mentioned the pregnancy could trigger it back). No problems while pregnant and I was shocked when a mild PPD kicked in quickly after delivery. The hospital of course suggested counseling and it took me a while to actually realise that maybe there was something else wrong with me! After three months my husband strongly suggested to go and check my blood levels and I found out they were all over the place. After starting the medicine, PPD disappeared like magic and I felt great again. So, it is worth considering!

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          Hilery Somers

          January 28, 2020 at 5:12 pm

          Emma what have you done to manage Graves Disease, if you don’t mind me asking? My dr wants to do radioactive iodine treatment but I have managed to get my thyroid #s back to normal levels by changing my diet and reducing stress….after 1.5 years of medicine and going hyper after dr took me off the medicine. I hope it continues because I really don’t want to do the RAI treatment.

    2. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:58 am

      i haven’t but it’s been on my mind to… i wanted to see how i leveled out once breastfeeding was established and life was less chaotic and less awful for my sleep and stress. we’re finding a decent routine now so i’ll go get everything checked in another few weeks i think!

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    Kelly

    January 28, 2020 at 2:54 pm

    This was so refreshing to read. My breastfeeding journey has been very difficult and one of the main concerns is my weight loss. I have had to put my practice on hold as well and am still struggling to put on weight. It’s a difficult thing to talk about and I didn’t really find a lot on the internet about this issue- most women were concerned about not losing baby weight; not the opposite problem. Thanks for keeping it real like always. It’s been great following your motherhood journey along with my own.

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:56 am

      thank you so much for the love, kelly! sending it right back to you! xo

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    Daniele

    January 28, 2020 at 3:19 pm

    The only advice I would give you from my own experience is to surrender to mommyhood for the first year. Let it be all about baby because that’s how it’s supposed to be biologically and I promise you you will return to yourself soon after. I have four kiddos and nothing compares to that first year with them. All this “bouncing back” stuff is for the birds. You’re a different person and are exactly where you’re supposed to be, doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing. Also, a skinny mama here and I feel ya on the “you should be thankful” crap. 🙄

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:55 am

      surrendering is absolutely what i’ve decided to do these past couple months! this is all so well said, too. thank you for sharing your wisdom! <3

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    Kelsey

    January 28, 2020 at 3:45 pm

    Oh heyyyyy number 2! Its been almost 5 years since my son was born. I so feel the “original me” vibes. Since then I have added a second baby to the family and that original me feels less like me and more like an old friend. The kind of friend who doesn’t do social media and just kind of slipped away in time. Some days I reminisce about the fun we had, sometimes I mourn that life, sometimes I want to tell that girl how awesome things turned out, and sometimes Id give my left arm to go back just for a day. Motherhood is a hell of a ride, hang in there ❤️

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      Tracey

      January 28, 2020 at 5:04 pm

      ‘Feels like an old friend’
      I love that Kelsey – perfectly sums up ageing too, feeling quite different to the reality. This continues forever I think, always wondering if this is the new normal.

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:55 am

      this is so real. thank you, kelsey <3

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    Lynne

    January 28, 2020 at 4:02 pm

    I totally feel you on these, thank you for being so honest.
    Im am in the same state of mind, my son is now 7months old gorgeous, Im back at work and keep asking myself how do all these people cope with no sleep, keep focus, continue with old stuff without feeling like complete nutjob as all I want is to spend as much time with my little man and not miss his discoveries and smiles and tantrums.
    I am still not back on my practise but it will be there when im ready and need it again x

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:54 am

      YES! i also think baby personalities exist on a spectrum and some are just wayyyyy easier to manage while others are a bit more work. i happen to have a baby on the latter end and that’s okay! 😉 we’re adaptable and we CAN find a way to fit “us time” into our schedules little by little.

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    Melanie

    January 28, 2020 at 4:32 pm

    I’m not a mother, but have recently undergone surgery to have a tumour removed from my colon. I have a colostomy bag, and have several complications. I practiced yoga everyday for the past four years-even holidays if I could get away. I work with young children so my practice helped me in many areas of my life. Since my surgery I have been unable to practice and it makes me so sad, and frustrated at times. People are always quick to give you advice about what they think you should do, but until they have walked a day in your shoes they really don’t have a clue what you are going through.
    I love reading your blog and have followed you for years, you have always been true to yourself and that’s what I love about you Erin. Life with children is busy and once Theo is mobile there will be no stopping him. Don’t miss those moments, embrace them. Like me your life will become a new normal. Thank you for your honesty-I truly appreciate and respect it! You keep on doing you and we’ll be here, along for the journey.

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:52 am

      thank YOU for your honesty too! i soooo understand the feeling of people giving you advice you don’t really need– it’s more annoying than helpful. i hope you can find your way back toy our practice sooner rather than later, even if it looks a bit different than it used to. thank you for the love! xo

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    Jamie Wimer

    January 28, 2020 at 4:44 pm

    Worry is par for motherhood, especially with the first baby. Your fears for how things will go with your travel will likely amount to nothing. With my second kid, all of those anxieties about baby sleep, etc. have gone away. And you know what? He’s fine! Easier said than done, but give yourself some grace, rest and roll with the punches. You’ve got this!

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:50 am

      i get that! sometimes adrien and i look at eachother and go, “what would we do/feel/say if this was baby #4?” usually that takes some of the stress away! thank you!

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    Erin

    January 28, 2020 at 5:50 pm

    Omg, not pregnant or even have a child, but I also recently went through a change in my body and I CANNOT DRINK anymore!!! I don’t know where it came from but I finally figured out the thing making me feel sick all the time was alcohol. I somehow became alcohol intolerant. I also some how feel this is very un-bad yogi of me even though it’s probably healthier. Now I just drink water and coffee!

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      Jane

      January 28, 2020 at 5:55 pm

      There is nothing un-bad yogi about you Erin! A Bad Yogi is many things and not defined by whether you drink wine (alcohol), eat meat, etc.!

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        Erin Motz

        January 29, 2020 at 3:48 am

        😉 so true <3

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      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:49 am

      haha and it’s such a silly feeling, right?! of course we’re still “bad yogi” bc Bad Yogi is about owning YOU, whatever that looks like!

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    Gray B.

    January 28, 2020 at 7:06 pm

    So appreciate the vulnerability and am right there with you on this… I’m 5mo postpartum with my 2nd and it’s just nuts!

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:48 am

      NUTS, for sure!!

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    Cherie Dilts

    January 28, 2020 at 7:55 pm

    I’m not going to lie. As one of those non-baby people, I was sort of sad about your pregnancy. I didn’t want Bad Yogi to change and I didn’t need another “perfect social media mom” in my face all the time. I’m proud of your journey and I appreciate your transparency. All of these may seem scary and hard to reveal, but knowing so many moms… I can tell you that everything you are feeling is real. You are not alone. And thank you for still being Erin 💕

    1. Avatar

      Erin Motz

      January 29, 2020 at 3:47 am

      thank you so much, cherie <3 i appreciate the love!

  30. Annabella

    Annabella

    January 29, 2020 at 8:29 am

    Thank you so so much for sharing this! I’m sort of afraid of being a mom one day, and reading this helps getting a reality check. Maybe there’s hope for me, despite me thinking I’ll never be able to handle all of it 😅

  31. Avatar

    Claire

    January 29, 2020 at 8:34 am

    Aw Erin, I feel for you, it sounds pretty intense. And OMG the wine thing/allergy is just not necessary, I mean come on give a girl a break amiright! You ladies on here are pretty amazing, I genuinely like everyone on here x

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    Muriel

    January 29, 2020 at 10:19 am

    Hello Erin !
    About traveling with a baby, i did that for Xmas, my baby was 7,5months and we did a Mexico-France.
    The 11 hours plane trip was not so bad, and when you breastfeed you always have that solution to soothe him ( i dont do that any more in every day life , but in the plane why not use this very effective solution ?! 😉).
    Then i am not going to lie managing jetlag on a baby is not easy … it feels like everything you were so happy about disappear ( like baby able to fall asleep alone, or sleeping 12hours… ). Mentally it was so hard, it felt like a big régression , and i knew it was not, i knew it was the jetlag but still, i couldn t accept it . On top of that he got his first 2 teeths on day 2.. anyway it was hard so at some point i did say “ we ll never travel again ! Ever! It s not worth it!” … i said that because i felt “why are we doing this to him AND to ourselves?!!” .
    Obviously i was overreacting, but that s how it felt . I realized it s no so positive haha but i am sharing this so that you know that if you feel the same you are not alone !!
    And the good news is that when we went back to mexico, the jetlag was easier in that way so on day 2 he was already sleeping his 12hours 👍 so the difficulty was only in one way. That s good news ! No? 😉

  33. Avatar

    Annemiek

    January 29, 2020 at 1:30 pm

    This is my second comment. Lol. I lost all my baby weight within a week of having my first. That was alarming. A son. second pregnancy was a girl and have kept a much more curvy body ever since. And yes I agree. Surrender to the first year and a half. If your breastfeeding this is pretty much your biological clock telling you to give in. Also if this is ok to share there is a pilates teacher online who like you Erin teaches on her own platform, and you can join it on a monthly basis. I no longer am a member for now but what I’m trying to get at is you can receive her vlogs where she shares her experiences of having 4 kids under 5 yrs, 2 singles and a set of twins. Her name is Robin Long , A Balanced Life. She constantly emphasizes take your time to start your practice again. Give into the process that comes with this part of our womanhood birthing the human race. Anywho you don’t have to become a member of her teaching platform “ the Sisterhood” in order to access newsletter, vlog, or YouTube. Hope this info is helpful for some. Erin I think she is your twin. Down to earth, honest and authentic with integrity. 💓🍷 all essential qualities of a successful teacher.

  34. Gabriella

    Gabriella

    January 31, 2020 at 11:52 am

    I think it’s so nice that you share these things! It’s not even by any standard to talk about things that you’re fearful about 🙂 and at least when I end up telling my therapist about things that I’m fearful about, they end up being much less scary then they were at the onset. So I’m happy you’re doing things that are good for you! And that on the overall trend, things are going really well! Thank you for sharing!!

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    Valerie

    January 31, 2020 at 12:31 pm

    I lost 26 pounds after giving birth and I feel I look sick, all of my clothes didn’t fit, know after 2 years I have recover like 4 pounds. Basically I feel the same that life is passing me by while I take care of my now toddler and my real life being on hold, and yoga wise I get lucky if I get a chance to do a 15 min practice=(

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    Jesal

    February 3, 2020 at 8:41 am

    Hi Erin, thanks for sharing! It’s so refreshing to hear your honesty on all the issues you’re dealing with at the moment. Regarding the wine thing, I think that might be a more normal reaction than you realize to not drinking for a long time. I’m not an expert, but I didn’t drink for almost a year and when I started again, I experienced exactly what you described. I was going to be visiting France and drinking wine, so I had to/wanted to acclimate back to it to enjoy my trip to the fullest. It took some time, but I did. I think you can take your headaches to just mean you are in a new homeostasis with alcohol.

  37. Avatar

    Ellen

    February 3, 2020 at 9:10 am

    I have never left a comment on any post, ever. But this post is so close to my heart. I could not keep weight on, as noted on another post my hair fell out, and struggled to keep my milk supply going as a result of stress. One thing I didn’t realize about PPD is that anxiety is a part of it as well. You might want to reach out if the anxiety about traveling abroad is getting too great. I didn’t listen to some of those signals because everyone told me it was just new mom worry. It sounds like you have terrific support. It is hard to be a new parent and a business owner. It gets easier as long as you put your health at the top of your priorities. If you do it, you will also be teaching Theo to do it. You are not alone. Thanks for sharing your fears. It makes a difference.

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    Sara Hinkley

    February 4, 2020 at 12:26 pm

    All of this is so common and familiar! My kids are now 13 and 10, and every time I see people with babies / toddlers I want to say: give yourself a break! You’re in it for the long haul. And it does go fast, but it feels so slow at times. Like when they’re home sick from school. I was not a baby person before having babies, and at times I would suddenly look at people around me on play dates and think OMG how did I get here!? My kids have no memories of the thousands of hours of love, panic, endless chores, etc. that I did those first several years. They meet people they went to preschool with and have no memory of them. The flight my husband and I spent trying to prevent our toddler from kicking the seat in front, or blaming each other for not packing extra pants when he dumped apple juice on his lap 30 minutes into a 5 hour flight – he remembers nothing. What kids remember is feeling cared for or not. It probably feels like these months have been an epic journey, which of course they have been. But they are also a little blink in your lifetime as a mother, and I promise that someday you’ll look back and be grateful that you just took care of yourself & your little guy as best you could. That’s all any of us are doing, despite everything on instagram! Also my body went through different changes each time – nothing is permanent. Your body while breastfeeding is a different body. Finally: my first kid was a terrible sleeper, but otherwise a dream child. We attributed both things to our parenting. Second kid was a fantastic sleeper, but otherwise was (and still is) much more exhausting and emotionally volatile. I realized that kids have their own traits, and we are responsible for much less than we think. We have to be the parents our kids need, and we have plenty of time to learn how. In the meantime, we can take care of ourselves. Hang in there!

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    LisaZ

    February 4, 2020 at 7:46 pm

    And this is why I follow you! You are open and real! I had noticed you looked a little thinner, but pictures don’t always tell the whole story so I figured it was the camera angle or something. It is so easy to forget about taking care of yourself when you have a baby to take care of (experience from a mom of 4). Thank you for your realness! Things will get easier and PPD will lessen and eventually dissipate. One of the hardest things I learned when I became a mom, was that I was still a wife. Don’t forget to have alone time with your husband. It makes your marriage so much stronger and makes you both better parents.

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