2016 was very valuable to me because recognizing who I am, accepting everything that implies being me, has allowed me to forgive myself and also those who have intentionally or unintentionally harmed me.
A year ago I turned my world around.
My wild heart screamed desperately to travel, to sail and to wander, triggering unavoidable events to come my way.
I got married in February 2015 and soon after that I was living in one of the most opulent cities in the world. My pocket was full and my essence was nowhere to be found. My marriage was not all butterflies and unicorns, but we were happy, considering it was the first time that I committed myself unconditionally to being in a couple. In November 2015, I left for India after living with my husband in Abu Dhabi for just six months. Since I began practicing Ashtanga Mysore style, I’d known that I wanted to travel to Mysore (India) to experience first-hand the biggest concentration of Ashtangis on the planet.
Once I arrived in Mysore, I easily let myself live in a bubble. In addition to this, my lack of patience and the neverending challenges my marriage was encountering deteriorated the relationship, letting space for other people and experiences in my heart.
Those experiences were not so much about traveling and my relationship with the outside world, as it was in the past, but about self-discovery. And that is the greatest gift I have received this past year, with all that implies: to learn what it means to be an almost-30 year old woman. This is what I found:
… And an infinite list apparently ….coming to realize we are Everything.
It’s not that I do not care for men, it’s that I think women need special attention and recognition denied to us for centuries. I did not get along with girls in high school or with women as an adult. I chose to surround myself with men rather than women, and it was precisely because I did not accept my own femininity. Instead of seeing us as a supporting community, I saw other women as a threat and felt like I was in constant competition with each other. I did not want to be a woman! I thought it was a curse.
“I am a guy without a cock.”
Sorry for the expression, but that was how I felt.
I remember myself saying this in order to prove my masculinity in a way to fulfill the need to feel like “a man.”
Why would a woman NEED to feel more manly?
I used to classify men with these labels: security, strength, protection, power. On the other hand, I identified women with weakness, cowardice, excessive sensitivity. How messed up! And what a relief I had when I opened my eyes, heart, and mind, reshaping my parameters and perceptions.
I think this attitude started mainly due to my childhood experiences. At home, I didn’t feel connected to my mother`s submissive actions. The beautiful path of forgiveness and acceptance each of us have gone through has not been easy if anything painful, and in the end each one has had to deal with their own karma. Although the relationship I have with my parents nowadays is fairly good I would not have imagined this being possible some years ago.
On top of everything, a few months ago I removed the coil (IUD) and began to bleed. And I loved it. After four years without the period, I experienced it from a completely different perspective.
Since then I started to embrace all these hormonal changes: hello chocolate, hello cuddles, hello hugs… oh yes I spoil myself! My last tattoo even represents the moon cycle, the yin energy and the woman I am.
Having the period again had an impact on my Ashtanga practice. I started venerating my being and all my moons. Feeling this inner transformation changed how I share my vision of Yoga. Now I listen more carefully to my body and let it set the pace to empower the yin energy, and even dance to the rhythm of freedom, more Nita style.
The most important thing to me is how all these changes led me to look inwards and to find a thousand regions in my being still undiscovered. In spite of the fear, traveling towards them and becoming ¨expert¨ in MY SOUL’S cosmography
A hard trip that is extremely worth it. It is healing.
On this inward expedition, I came much closer to my family and I particularly allowed my father to return to my life. Mostly because when you hold a negative emotion the person who gets harmed the most is yourself. It poisons you and kills you.
I spit the poison in time before I died, and I returned to LIFE.
I thank my parents for all the teachings, I thank my practice for being my medicine, I thank the people who I share my path of yoga with, I thank the universe for helping me to understand and to forgive. Grateful for being alive and breathing.
I invite you to integrate all of your womanliness.
Let’s celebrate who we are. We can help each other, wake up, and grow together.
Let us raise our being to uplift others.
How amazing is it that I can conclude 2016 with so many positive events that can summarize by just the fact of embracing being a WOMAN.
Ladies, have you had a similar journey? How have you embraced your femme-ness and that of others? Tell us below!