Today I felt this creeping feeling. It came up to me so slowly that I barely noticed it.
And suddenly I felt it.
The need to call and meet up with all my friends.
The need to go overseas to see my friends there.
The need to drive to the other side of the country to meet with my parents.
The need to move all my favorite people closer to me.
The need to meet new people that could possibly fill the gap.
The need to make other people responsible for filling up some emptiness inside of myself.
So, I did the only thing that felt right.
I went out to dinner.
And I just sat there. Listening to the silence of my own heart.
Because I knew that no amount of people would take this feeling away.
“Though you’re in a crowd, doesn’t mean you’re not alone” – Passenger
I knew in my heart that even though the feeling of loneliness sends you directly to other people (and sadly very often to social media, that in my experience will only make things worse) it would not work for me.
Because loneliness is indeed not a need to connect with other people, at least not all the time.
It is the need to connect with yourself.
Loneliness is the feeling you get when you lack connection with yourself.
“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself” – Rupi Kaur.
And for that reason, it can only be fixed by connecting with yourself.
When that feeling came over me, I knew this old familiar friend.
And I knew why it was here and I knew what I needed to do.
I realized that I did not remember the last time I was truly by myself, doing something for myself.
So, I went out for dinner. By myself.
And then I got ice cream. By myself.
And then I went to one of my favorite places, the bookstore.
And I sat there. I looked through books. I wrote in my notebook. By myself.
And at once I felt complete. I felt at one with myself again.
I had made time for date night.
I took a deep breath and felt the feeling slide away, slowly.
And my heart was filled with joy and gratitude, instead of loneliness.
And I promised myself to make more time for me, and me alone.
However, a little bit of loneliness kept its place in my heart.
So little it was almost undetectable.
But just enough to remind me that if I would break my promise, it would surround me again.
Just enough so I could feel how amazing joy felt.
Just enough so I would strive to keep it that way instead.